The not so beautiful fangirl life. (A novel by me)

Hey everyone.

Okay, before starting this entry I have to apologise for maybe...a ton of spelling & grammar mistakes. I'm actually sitting here, writing this blogentry right now while I'm somehow just busy holding back my tears.
As you can see in the title, this entry will be dedicated to fangirling, bands, and the bassist of my favourite band leaving today.
Who am I talking about?
Well, apparently my favourite band is BORN. And yes, after a year of pausing his activities, bassist Kifumi left the band today.

"Thank you so much everyone. Bye bye."
Now his twitter is deleted.

I already went through this "a band I like broke up"-thing a few times..AND I DON'T EVEN MEAN MCR OR SOMETHING.
I'm talking more about bands like Versailles (who I don't know about if they're actually on hiatus...OKAY NOBODY KNOWS) or D'espairsRay (I was a fetus VK fan when they split up...but it did hurt me of course).
But's 'just' a member leaving. Yeah. A member that I liked a lot. From a band that I really, really love. Last year he already paused his activities due to personal reasons, stating that he'd do anything to come back as soon as possible because of the band being his everything...but he didn't. The fandom (including me and some people I like) had to wait a whole year for the news of him leaving the band.
This literally felt like a punch in the face and made my heart stop beating for a second.
Sometimes I think my love for bands, music, concerts and band members is stronger than what I feel for persons around me.
Sounds stupid, I know, but I'm just telling the truth. BORN became my favourite band only a few months before Kifumi started his break...but they were one of my first VK bands when I first got into japanese music about 4 years ago, even if I didn't like them so much back then.

It's always so hard when band members are leaving their bands. There will forever be something missing in the band, an important part just disappeared and it won't come back. Somehow the band will never be fully complete again, even if they're going on with a new member, like Three Days Grace did when Adam left, like Nightwish did after they kicked out Tarja or later when Anette left or, to go back to japanese musicians, Screw did after Yuuto left (even if I personally prefer Rui over him)
Secondly, I'm now seriously worried about Kifumi because of his "personal reasons". It sounds like something really bad might have happened to him...and when you like someone, you care about them. You can't just leave everything behind just because this person's like...not there anymore, even if you don't know them personally.
Furthermore, I dreamt of seeing BORN life at least once in my life...because their lives seem to be amazing. But even if I get the chance to attend one of their concerts someday (what I think is somehow impossible...sadly), it wouldn't be the same without Kifumi, the little derp dancing around on stage like he's starting a moshpit alone and being gay with Ryoga (OTP feels).

From "Devilish Of The Punk", their last single together.
(from left to right: Tomo (Drums), Kifumi (Bass), Ryoga (Vocals), K (Guitar) & Ray (Guitar) )

I hope things will get better for him...and I hope the band finds a new bass player who's worth taking his place...but no one could ever REPLACE someone as unique as Kifumi.
I'll definitely miss him...and it will be hard for me to get over it.
But I have to accept his decision and the bands' decision to continue their activities without him.
I don't know if I can still call them "my favourite band" anymore, but I will support them for sure.
And this had to be said now because I'm a sad fangirl and nobody (except for my girlfriend) actually shares my feels right now.

Mata ne!

Hair Timeline!

Hey there.
I'm writing this entry reeeally spontaneously because I randomy looked through some old photos after I talked about my hair with my bestie.
Also, people often asked me recently about how often I dyed my hair in the past. So I thought to myself "hey, why don't you write a blogentry about how much you've changed over the years and what your hair has to do with it?"
Because I don't just dye my hair because I only care about my looks. Dyeing my hair kind of symbolises the phases I'm currently going through.

I dyed my hair for the first time when I was in 5th or 6th grade. My natural haircolor was a light brown to ash blonde colour that reaaally annoyed me back then. I actually wanted to bleach my hair because I was so obsessed with some of these beautiful, blonde haired Disney Stars back then. Don't judge me, I was 12-13.
So, I first started with a reddish-brown colour and went darker from time to time.

This was after a semi-permanent dye already can still see my natural haircolour!

Damn...this is embarassing

At the beginning of 2010 I first discovered J-Rock. (An Cafe phase...I really hope nobody remembers my awkwardness...)
At that time my hair was already dark brown - but still I wore my natural curls everyday and had no problem with it. But when I first got into VK I was so impressed by their awesome hairstyles that I wanted to straighten my hair and create awesome styles with it.
Also I was obsessed with the Emo-Style because at the school I went to back then were these awesome Emo girls with their colourful hair and awesome clothes and everything.
So you can say that with my new favourite music also my style got a bit weird.
Around fall 2010 I finally dyed my hair black, had my bangs cut in winter and got my aunts straightener - my first one ever which sadly died last summer...

Let's just ignore my horrible make-up...

2011 followed...and my love for Decora fashion started to grow. Oh how much I loved this Style. I owned so many cute pink clothes, loved to wear my hair in pigtails and - oh well - my favourite band was, what can I say, LM.C. Doesn't that explain everything?

Not sure what it was, but around Spring 2011 I was sick of my dark hair and wanted to bleach it. Maybe Maya's hairstyle from Punky Heart was another influence for this...but I think it was mostly my obsession with Oshare Kei that made me want to have blonde hair.
And because I didn't want to ruin the structure of my hair completely I went to the hairdresser TWICE and got highlights. But it was SO expensive and after 2-3 months I was tired of having a shitty striped haircolour and bleached my hair by myself...and it looked kind of my hair was damaged as fuck.
Then I got a haircut and dyed my bangs blue for a short time. Then I went all blonde again - because I had another idea an what to do with my hair.

First time I got highlights...

...and then ugly, damaged, uneven blonde hair! This was actually taken the evening before my class trip in year 8.

Dir en grey-Shirt. Wow. Much hardcore. make-up tutorial for this still exists somewhere on You Tube. least I got better at doing my make-up..haha.

Ugh...horribly failed...

Around summer-autumn 2011 I discovered my love for bands like Black Veil Brides, Escape The Fate...all of this good old Emo-stuff that everyone calls "fagcore" nowadays. And with this, my love for the Emo/Scene-Style evolved.
And I finally decided on making a childhood dream come true and dye my hair red....probably the best decision ever because after all these years it's still my favourite haircolour of mine.

But it also damaged my hair a lot. Well, since I used Directions/Manic Panic it wasn't the dye itself that damaged my was the fact that I always had to bleach my roots!
My hair had no chance to grow in a healthy way because I ruined it as soon as my roots were visible again.
And after 5 months of beautiful pinkish red hair I was forced by my mom to dye it red-brown again.

See how thin my hair got?

Gosh, I hated it!
It was such a shitty even faded and looked matt orange after a few washes because of the bleach from my bright red hair.
And in May 2012 I went back to black hair so my hair had a chance to become healthy and grow out a bit again.

Well...2012 was a year full of fails for me...if I had to describe it in one term I'd clearly call it an "Identity Disorder" because I went through so many phases. There was even a time I was so addicted to Kazuki from Screw that I dyed my hair black with red highlights like his in the "The Abyss" PV.

But that didn't last long because in October I ruined my hair again, bleached it twice and dyed it dark blue. I loved the colour so much. Sadly I don't have many pictures of it because I went through a not so wonderful time and hated the way I looked.

I wasn't satisfied with anything. Furthermore my hair was damaged as fuck again. My hairdresser was soooo upset...haha. So, I cut my hair again and well...around November-December many unexpected bad things happened to me all at once and I was just so helpless that I needed a change - as always starting with my haircolour.
After some failed tries in which my hair went from turqouise to green-brown, I finally managed to get a simple dark brown haircolour.
And still - I wasn't happy with my hair. In my opinion I looked like an antisocial, fat, truck driving lesbian...and who even wants to look like this?
Also my hair was still damaged because of my desperate tries to achieve an acceptable brown haircolour.

I got to a point in my life where I broke up the contact to people that used to mean a lot to me. It hurted quite a lot in the beginning, but later on it just made me happier and stronger.
Phase in my life ends -> hairstyle changes.
This time I decided to cut my hair. A lot.
And I went from truck drivig lesbian to weeaboo tomboy thingie in early 2013.

And that's basically it. Since about a year my hair is short now. I used to bleach it a bit in spring, dyed it purple for a few weeks in summer and went back to brown then.
My hair is now growing again. You can literally feel it getting fuller and healthier again and I'm quite happy that after all these changes it isn't a complete mess.
To be honest, I'm pretty sure I'll dye it again in the future...but I won't think about it now. As you can see I also discovered the advantages of wigs...and buying new wigs is slowly beginnig to become my new addiction, haha. It may be a bit more expensive...but at least it doesn't ruin my natural hair.

Note: My hair has grown a lot since this was taken, but I don't have a good picture of how it looks now. Only on my Instagram acc ;3 

What I wanted to point out with this post, it's not just my haircolour that changes. Every hairstyle I had in the past stands for a certain phase I went through. Some were actually good, some were less positive and so were my haircolours.
Sometimes I wish people would finally stop asking me things about my hair...because I am not my hair, my hair is just a part of my body! No matter what haircolour I have, I will always be myself. Just because I don't look like your "pink pandabear" anymore, doesn't mean I can't be your friend anymore. Just because my hair isn't blue anymore doesn't mean I don't listen to the same, emo-ish bands anymore etc etc etc.
I'm turning 17 this year. I'm focussing on different things than I used to focus on a few years ago. My outer appearance might not look as cute and colourful anymore, but more grown up.
People change. And you can't change the fact that it will always be like this. But don't try judging everything by their outer appearance. You never know what their real interests are or what they are going through.

This is probably the most personal post I've ever written, but I felt that it had to be said.
As always, excuse my grammar & spelling mistakes - shitty english is shitty!
But I hope you understand what I wanted to tell you. Mata ne!